en route

Setting foot in the right path to me is acquainted with a series of failed attempts. The term 'failure' used is arguable to a certain extent though. Failure in the aspects of sustaining the intended attempt but upon changing the narratives, it somehow managed to arrive at its grand purpose.  Therefore, perhaps if there is a term to describe the process of experiencing partial failure in order to attain greater success, this would be it. 

The initial steps that took me to this stage was not a linear process. If I am to be brutally frank, it took contemplation of my whole existence, the existence and history of my parents, a lot of failed relationships and most significantly, extreme self-loathing to be here. It was painful being dumb. The pain was inexplainable, it was as though I was stuck in a room, there was ample light, but I lacked clarity. I did not know where to go, I was controlled by short-term spikes of motivation, energy, angst and hatred that were far from being sufficient to propel me forward. I found myself bumping at every creek and corner of the room, and each time, I bled more than before. I found myself deeper in pain. I was not getting any better. Everyday I suffer the pain of being dumb. At this point, if you still think that the concept of dumb, you might want to consider reading the previous lines again. 

I do not mind being dumb. 

But I hate feeling dumb. 

Dumb is not a state of intellect to me, it is associated with my mental and emotional state. 

I was tired of feeling dumb. Nothing I thought, said or felt was worth any value. It was that feeling that set me back by miles. 

Every single second I was in existence with the rest of the ecosystem, I questioned my beliefs, ideas, my voice, my choice of words. I was under scrutiny by this evolved, lack of being version of self. Everything felt one dimensional. That my existence was only to be scrutinised... so I paralysed out of fear. 

I stopped talking much out of the extreme pressure of being scrutinised. And before I knew it, I lost touch for everything I thought I was good at. I was not back at square one, but I was taken out of the square. Everything felt so out of element. It felt familiar yet so estranged from my deeper self. I was not confused but I had grown to be in this position of observation of how my intellect reacts to my social stimuli. That did not last long though. I then became so detached that I no longer knew myself. I thought I was growing but that was far from the reality. I had unconsciously took myself out of the equation. And when it all dawned upon me, I did not know how to return 'home'. 

What was 'home' to me anyways? My physical home did not quite fit that definition. My partner was also not the home I was hoping to return to... And my identity was also not the home I was looking for. This did not come crashing all at once, but rather cue a dramatic slow-mo song... where chaos unfolds in the most dreadful way possible. And how's that? When the chaos does not occur in the blink of an eye. But rather you had to sit there and be your own spectator of pain, mess and chaos unfold themselves. Imagine how awful that was. To know things were going awfully wrong but somehow you feel so helpless. There was nothing that was within your reach. You felt the pain bounce off you not because you are immunised to it  but it was because you were so keen on deflecting the pain. You could not comprehend the gravity of the situation. How wrong everything was. You could not fathom the mess, everywhere and everything was not in the right place. I did not lose myself. I destroyed myself. And I could not get back up no matter how hard I tried. 

Then out of the blue, a new level of numbness kicks in. The kind of numbness that silences the chaos. The chaos clip is still playing on the screen, but it is now silenced. Not the audio. But just silenced. You no longer 'see' the pain. You remember the pain now. Your legs start kicking around. You feel aimless still but no longer as hopeless as how you were. Instead of being the observer, you are now in the driver's seat. Your head is finally clear enough to drive. And now you are on your journey.